I NEED SOMEWHERE TO PUT THIS
OR ELSE MY HEAD WILL EXPLODE
I feel the pain of everyone, then I feel nothing. I fear the most personal things to me aren’t even my own. Maybe I’m too much of me. Maybe I need to share some of me with the world. Willingly, freely, lovingly, calmly. Not anxiously. I’ll do it without people pleasing, without regretting, without forcing.
Solitude has made me forget about things. The things that made me uncomfortable. It was nice to just be left with space, time, and my memories. I was able to replay things to my heart’s content. That level of control was freeing. It was peaceful. But now I have no memories left. My memory has begun to fail me. I can’t see as far back as I’d like, and certain things are just black spots in the frame of my mind. It’s about time I came out of hiding to face the new opportunities waiting for me. I can’t move forward here anymore. Hibernation is over.
I kind of liked being a hermit. I was wild, but I was free. I got to make my own rules and I got to break them. I then got to decide if the rule was ever meant to be followed in the first place. I was the king and the queen. I was the mommy and the daddy. I finally had the parents I always felt like I deserved. Well, now I’m older, and I must face the reality of adulthood. I can’t just shut myself off from the world, no matter how badly I’d like to. I must face this world and embrace it in all its glory.
The chaos in the silence made me forget about the having and wanting of living in this world. My desires seemed so far away from me that I learned to let them go. I only worried about what was right in front of me, and that was beautiful. I was an animal. I went off instinct. I was wild, I was young, and I was free. Now, I have to face the fact that youth is not wasted on the young, but wisdom can turn a free bird into a stone. How can I balance the knowing of all I’ve learned with the wanting of all I plan to accomplish? I guess it’s something I’ll figure out along the way. Maybe I won’t figure it out. Maybe I’ll just do it. What if living isn’t a problem to be solved but just something to be done?
I wanna live. I’ve learned to survive. I’ve learned to fight. I’ve learned how to fly. Now, I wish to plant my feet in the ground and live. I’ll be as deeply rooted as a tree and as free as a leaf blowing in the wind. I’ll sing songs with lyrics only known by me as if I heard them from the radio, and when people ask what I’m singing, I’ll tell them it’s a secret my heart whispered to me. I’ll laugh at jokes no one else hears, and when people ask me what’s so funny, I’ll tell them it’s something the wind told me. I’ll cry about things no one else is sad about, and when they ask me what’s wrong, I’ll tell them it’s not what’s wrong, it’s everything the moon told me was right.
I’m gonna put a bit of me in this place, SYAMESEDREAM, until I’m satisfied. I wanna be a STAR. I want other people to be a STAR too. I want us to be together. I want us to shine together. You don’t have to take back any of the bad things you’ve said; just say something better now. You won’t have to atone for your actions by pushing a boulder up a hill, just act better now. We’ll become good together. We’ll learn how to be great together. I wanna be friends. I wanna pour you a glass of me and let you drink. If you don’t like my flavor, just know that I am an acquired taste. Welcome to THE DREAM. Come be a STAR with me.
